" If Time Were Mine"

An hourglass of sand, time quickly slipping away

I've often wished that I could go back a page or two

I would relive some moments, just to linger, just to stay

I'd rewrite some endings, and make the skies more blue.

I would build a fortress, where hearts could never break,

Dreams would never shatter, and there’s no things, like cancer,

No promises would falter, no souls would ever ache,

And whatever you asked…you’d always get your answer.

I'd sit beside the lonely, before they gave up hope,

Catch every falling tear, before it touched the floor,

Give every silent fighter, the strength needed to cope,

And heal all the wounds, of those who needed more.

I'd take back all the cruel words, replayed a hundred times,

Haunting hurting minds, circulating in their head

I'd bring light, and laughter, release the chains that bind,

Hold the hands of the forgotten, and lay all their ghosts to bed.

But time is not so kind—it moves, but never bends. 

So I dream in quiet hours, and I live with what is true:

Though I can't go back, I can begin again..

And try to leave this world, more kind, more whole,

When I am through.

I saw you in my dreams last night...

With eyes knowing you would disappear.

We were laughing, like in years gone by,

 

Until my laughter turned to tears.

I told you how I missed you so,

 

How without you, nothing was the same.

 

How I wished I was the one to go...

 

To bring you back, I'd do anything.

 

For one more week, one more day...

 

I'll never forget, hearing that call...

 

So many things, I need to say...

 

And nothing to do, but feel it all.

 

You were the one who always listened....

 

When I was lost, you could find a way...

 

To bring some light to my sad eyes,

 

Because the darkness comes back, always.

 

One by one, I've watched them go...

 

Pieces of my heart, my life, my soul...

 

And what's left here...I just don't know....

 

How to mend it back and make it whole.

I saw you in my dreams last night,

 

But even then, I knew you couldn't stay.

 

I said I was sorry, nothing turned out right..

 

You made me promise, that I'd be ok...

I held you close one last time,

 

Saw your eyes, knowing you'd soon be gone...

 

I whispered "I'll miss you forever, Dad"

 

And with tears I rise, to another dawn.

Buried

Ghosts come rattling the chains...
Of things, I'd rather not remember.
Bruises, that have never healed...
Cuts and wounds, that are still tender...
Reminders all surround me...
No matter where I go...
They lay in waiting, there to drown me...
And bring me down below...
Marks on my body, won't come clean...
Some of these stains, just seem to hold...
So, I'm taking it all...everything...
Piles of horrors, left untold.
I'm bringing this dirt down to the grave...
And I'm leavin' it behind...
Giving it over to One....
Who can trade this hurt for something kind...

Devil On My Shoulder

There's a devil on my shoulder

Whispering my pain...

"Don't you want to just forget....

Wouldn't you like to end this game..."

 
The water rising towards my face....

His voice lulls, "Just breathe in"

Destruction calls, he sings my name...

I feel his flames across my skin...

 

And his poison, seeps in my chest,

Until my lungs fight hard to breathe...

Until my eyes have bled out all the words

My heart has heard and grieved....

 

There's a devil on my shoulder....

And he knows just how to say my name...

 

In the midst of all this darkness....

I am drawn to his numbing flames.

 

And I need a strength that I don't have....

 

To keep me safe and unscathed...

 

From this darkness, I am pleading...

 

To be rescued from this grave

Home

Train tracks, headed back, carrying the wounded home...

I know it's not my time, but oh, I want to go....

To a land, where hands, can take sad hearts,

And make them glad and whole.

And give back all the innocence

That these dark lands have stole...

These boxcars are filled with scars

And memories of war...

Sitting side by side, with lifeless eyes,

From the things, they never asked for.

Cold to the bone, the winds have blown

Taking, destroying, oh, such power.

But the time has come, at least for some....

We've all been waiting for this hour.

Take me home, to a place I've never known.

Where love abounds more than you can hold

And always there, you'll be aware

Of the worth that you weren't told.

And it's not my time....but oh, I want to go.

Something Old, Something New

It's a sunny day in June....and I hope,
This time, the grass you're on, stays green enough for you.
Something old, something new...
Somethings told, doesn't make it true....

Today you're tying up loose ends...
This hole here is too large to mend...
I made the mistake to call you friend...
And you never were, in the end....

I was something borrowed, when you were blue....
So I hope this time the grass stays green enough for you...
Because I won't be something old,
When you need something new....
No, I won't be there to care...
The next time you fall through....

Ghost In This House

I'm talking to you and the words just slip right by.
Watching you, looking at me with blank eyes...
There's nothing left here, to look at or analyze...
I'm the ghost next to you, and you can't see....

I measure up less, always, next to all the others.
Dejection show your face, where art thou oh brother?
Rejection take your place, on that stage, oh Mother....
Father....Sister.... Yes. All have left, save me.

Wishing to feel a heart, care like I care......
Like it would matter, if one day I wasn't there...
This lonely, empty void, that leads me to nowhere...
Walking through walls, haunting halls....
A nobody.
 
To be held, to be sheltered, long lost dreams of mine...
I keep them held back, far beyond this fault line....
So hard on days like these, I'd give anything for your time....
But, I'm just the ghost next to you and you can't see.

South Carolina

The whistle of the last train leaving...

Echo's in the air

Roads that led me here believing...

Paved a world of despair...

And it's a warm, October night in...
Carolina.

Another year has come and gone...
After, there will be no more trains...
I'm trying to move on but...
I'm wrapped here in these chains...
Leave me be...oh, set me free....
Please, Carolina.

I've no more tears to give to you...
You took them all...took everything...
And there will be nothing left of me...
If I don't catch that train...
They'll bury me here ...
Deep in the red clay...
Of Carolina.

The whistle of the last train leaving...
Is echoing in the air...
The only noise left, is my breathing...
I'm not going to make it there...
And there's no light left to see...
On this October night for me...
In Carolina.

Years from now, on down the road...
You'll pass a small graveside.
Perhaps, you'll pull over,
And think of those who died.
Of the girl who cried to leave,
The girl who refused to breathe,
In Carolina.

Unchanging Vines

Tangled and trapped by this vine...
As I'm trying to climb higher...
And it wants me one more time...
The thorns are sharp in his briar...
Trying to live with, half a life...
Breathing in...all of the fault.
Wishing to be...like Lots wife.
Looking back, I'd turn to salt.

And they all want to...strip me bare...
What do you think...that they'll find?
Take it off...there's nothing there...
Only the things better left behind.

And I'm too tired for this climb...
I'm too weak, for another fight...
No, I can't do it...not this time...
So take what you will...tonight.

Jaden

I'd give you my air to breathe...

If that's what you needed from me...

And I'm begging you to please....

Please, don't go.

I'd give you my heart to beat...

To hear the sound of your little feet...

For how to live without you....

I don't know.

You've been my constant friend...

Always there, even when....

I wasn't what I should've been....

You loved me so...

And I can't make it, on my own...

I can't live this way, alone...

Your love's all I've ever known...

Please, don't go.

Changed

I told you I didn't want a war....

But you carried me back for more...

You made me feel small in your arms....

Showing safety within the harm

I never could color you a single shade...

You colored me well, you'll never fade...

It's hard to remember, life before you.....

Hard to forget, the picture you drew....

Hard not to be so weak and trembling...

With all I've built, disassembling...

Somewhere back there, from here to now...

I know that I've forgotten how....

How to hate...a beating heart....

Even one, that tore my world apart...

Because the feeling's no longer there....

Only sadness and despair....

For I know, your cruelty to me...

It couldn't set your demons free....

And I no longer wish you pain...

Because you and I, we're not the same...

Curtains Drawn

The curtains closed and you're still here...

Sir, please, what are you waiting for?

You killed me slowly, but, I survived....

Have you just come back for more?

You flayed me open, your hand inside...

Your fist, deep under my skin....

Your burns and welts have turned to scars...

A map of places that you've been....

You shredded me, you broke me down...

You'll never know, the damage done...

And if I saw you, I'd still tell you...

You don't have to be, your Fathers son...

I told you once, I could forgive you...

I told you once with aching bones....

That you were capable of love,

That for your sins, you could atone.

I said you hadn't gone too far....

Knowing that you burned the town....

I told you that it wasn't too late...

Knowing, we only could go down...

And now the crowd has dissipated....

There's only an empty stage and chairs...

The horror show has long been over...

All that's left here, is despair...

So, tell me Sir, why do you sit here?
Wouldn't you like to just move on?
There's nothing on these bones to pick on...
The curtains have been drawn.

Under The Rug

I'm  sweeping up the ruins that you left me....

Can you see all the dirt beneath the floor board?

I'm writing both our names on a dusty surface....

And moving on, I don't know what toward.

You held me down, but I got up.

All pages blank, save, what you penned in your dark ink....

Big letters and words scrolled on my pale skin....

I never had the choice to swim...only to sink.

I never hated a name, as much as I did yours....

Such simple letters shouldn't make me cry.

Tears for the one that name belongs to... 

Who rules a part of me, that will not die.

Safe and Sound

So frightened of the sounds you do not know....

And scared of the shadows that you see....

Trying hard not to let it show....

My child don't you know...

You don't need to do that... here, with Me.

It's ok...to not be brave...I'll be it for you.

It's all right, to need the light, For I shine on.

I will be your solid ground,

When your world is crashing down

Here with Me...
Trust you'll be...

Safe and sound.

Failure

Prone to wander

Prone to stray...

Oh how easily, I loose my way.

Like a sirens call-

The devil knows my name

And like a moth to a flame

I leave the God, I love.

And I know how this ends

Time and time again

Down this beaten road

I've already been...

Why do I listen,

To words whispered in my ear

All the lies I need to hear

To make it all seem ok.

Lord, I feel it.

This war inside of me.

The line in the sand,

Who I am, and who I want to be.

Lord reveal it.

Each wrong turn I take

Each time Your heart I break

Bring me to my knees

Oh God of all grace

 show me your face

Always Something

Cinnamon and tobacco..

The taste of your mouth.

I wish I could forget...

But, I'll always know.

And that you grew up lonely,

In a great big house...

And that you were a failure,

Your Daddy told you so.

I wish I could forget...

I wish I couldn't feel...

I saw your evil...

And I saw a man...

Hurting himself....

Hurting me...

Trapped in a world....

Too dark to see....

And I wish that I felt nothing....

But for you, I always will.

12/23/15

Glass on the pavement and sirens the only sound

As a heart no longer beat as you lay there on the ground

Now something that was lost, may never yet be found...

And how clearly I see...that it should have yet been me.

You're laying now in satin, there's flowers all beside you

Your light extinguished out by the darkness that you knew

And heart are grieving, bleeding, from burdened souls on church pews

I bet they would agree....that it should have yet been me.

One life for another, if I could take your place...

Give you another chance, all your steps to retrace....

For to bring peace within these walls, I simply need erase....

Removing the debris... it should have yet been me.

Yet you lay there now, your lungs no longer breathing....

And yet I stay here now, where angers never leaving...

It's not what I want, for peace my heart is grieving...

And how clearly now I see, that it should have yet been me.

Humanity

Brought down to this despair, by unknowing careless tongues

I'll take it all, if it means I won't feel his blackness in my lungs.

Human. I am human and worth something, to myself I say...

You are trash. Mockery. His laugh - Oh, reminders here this day.

Human. He was human. Sometimes deeply, then not at all....

To my broken self I promised, I'd never make another crawl.

Unexpected kindnesses, at times the only saving light of my life...

Could I be that to another, and not use my words as knives.

Could my actions speak more softly to a soul cruel and hard,

And perhaps impart some beauty to a picture that's been marred.

Do unto others- I wish not what's been done to me....

And it's ok if you can't understand my need for humanity.

"The Fallen Soldier..."

Said the drunk to the drink
It's time for me to drown...
I've misplaced my mind in memories
So, please don't let me down...
I've lost everything that was anything
Wont you just deaden this pain...
Numb this burning feeling I have
From a life that's gone in flames

I've searched for forgiveness,
To find a way to make things right...
And my attempts to make things better
Left me broken from the fight...

Now I'm bleeding and I'm hurting
And barely breathing on the ground...
The best of things I have lost
Now the worst of things I've found.

Once upon a time I had it all
Now, all I have is  this empty glass
That never talks but always listens...
And doesn't judge me by my past...

"Please don't bring me back this time"
Whispered the drunk to the floor...
I'm no longer a soldier, I'm a prisoner
And I've given up on this war...

Where He Longed To Be

The old man stood in silence,
And stared out at the sea...
Where the waves are unforgiving,
And the winds blow wild and free.

The clouds had gathered o'er him,
And a storm was moving in...
He spoke of ships and sailing,
And all the places that he'd been...

I looked to him for answers...
But, knew there would be none.
For though love has many faces...
In truth, there is but one.

He turned to me and whispered,
His voice was small and hoarse...
The treasure was in view he said,
But, I ventured far off course.

I lost my way in darkness,
'Twas the fate of many men...
What I wouldn't give to go back,
And try it once again...
But youth has long escaped me,
And time is what I dread,
Then he watched the sky with reverence...
As a gull flew overhead.

The storm was now upon us,
The horizon black as night,
But afar off in the distance,
I could see a ghostly light...

I looked to him with wonder...
As he stared out to the shore...
With eyes that knew the answer,
He would sail again, no more.

He shook his head in sadness,
Knowing where he longed to be,
As the rains fell from the heavens,
Upon the old man, and the sea...

"About A Girl"

                          

Now this is a story about a girl,

Who was in such a hurry to take on the world,

Growing up in a place...a battlefield called "home"

 She's a bit messed up and her hurts overgrown.

She's cut and she's scarred, she's tired and she's done.

With all the trivial things and what she's become...

Red rimmed eyes and tangled hair...

A trembling girl in a world that's not fair.

 

A sea of thoughts flow through her shattered mind...

A dream of peaceful solitude, she left somewhere behind.

She's searching and trying...looking for a place.

She's fighting and denying that reflection is her face.

She's weak and she's scared, trying to release...

She's smiling and she's crying....searching for peace...

Sink or Swim

I'd like to think I've not forgotten...
What life was like, before this town...
I'd like to think I've not forgotten...
That I can swim, I need, not drown...

And though I've tried to understand it...
I think perhaps it can't be understood...
Still, it's my hope, that something evil...
One day, might be turned to something good...

Breathe

Don't tell me...
This is goodbye...
I don't know if...
I can fight this fight...

I need you...please...
Breathe into my life....

In this darkness...
I need some light...
I can't see...
On this dark night....

I need you...please...
Breathe into my life...

Who gives the air...
That we breathe in...
Could heal a soul...
And spirit weakened...

I need you...please...
Breathe into my life....

A Day Of Birth

It's another year...gone.

No pictures to be drawn.

 

So I'll bury myself...

In words.

 

In pages and numbers...

And aching, wild hungers...

 

Envying the simple freedom...

Of birds.

 

The promise of tomorrow...

And yesterdays broken sorrow...

 

One score and five...

Where do I fit in?

 

The hurting still reminds me...

Of things only the blind see...

 

And of the truth...

You have to loose, to win.

To Jack...

Here's to all they said about you...
To my naivety, believing it untrue...
To the hill you made me climb...
And all the things you misconstrued.

To the water we were fetching...
That was only there for me to drown...
And though I didn't see it then...
You never did...
Have a crown.

The view from way up high...
Wasn't all I thought it would be...
Surrounded by a scorched land...
Fire's smoke, settling on the sea.

And when the air had cleared...
The ashes were slippery on the rafters...
When you fell down, I kissed the ground...
But I...I didn't come tumbling after.