Warden

I wouldn't have let go...
I would have kept you yesterday....
And lavishly, covered myself up
In my own selfish captivation's.

But last night, I watched you sleeping;
And I'm not keeping you this way.
I was your North Star when you were lost,
Now, you need different constellations.

There's a whole word waiting for you out there,
Yet, so long as I am here,
You will stay...
And I know...
When you see my footprints on this wet ground,
You will not understand...

You'll curse my name.
And hate my soul.
Putting every one of my faults out on display....
And as I watch you take to new heights soaringly...
Only then...
Roaringly...
I'll crash land.

In that wreckage...
I'll burn this letter...
So you'll never know how I wished to keep you....
When your old and grey,
And no longer remember me,
My heart...
By you...
Will still be stained.

I was your North star,
But, you were my world,
Without you, there's nothing here to live through.
Still, I'd rather die...
On this burning, wet ground.
Than to breathe...
Knowing.
By me.
You were chained.

Relapsing

Crawling back to you...
As natural as the marrow in my bone...
The familiarity of this worn path...
Deep within me, is sewn...

So, I'll drink in your essence...
'Til I'm so drunk that I can't see...
The person that I know you are...
The one, I know, you cannot be.

Crawling back to you...
And I know, I won't, I cannot...stay...
But, it's enough.
Just here.
With you.
To keep the thoughts of you...
Away...

Arizona

I walked on the path you told me to,
Even as it fell beneath my feet...
On your orders I marched to battle,
Even though I only saw defeat...
I called you still, my hero...
Though you didn't deserve the name.
I breathed to do your bidding,
And I loved you just the same.

It's a cold and silent night here.
My head has no place to rest.
My feet are torn and blistered.
And all my sanity has left.
I've got battle scars left on me,
From being your good soldier.
That girl you said was priceless,
Time has shown, you sold her.

The promises you made me...
Strange, they sounded all so true....
And every time you broke them...
I put the pieces back with glue.

I called you still, my master...
But, it didn't change what you were.
I loved you then, even knowing...
The impairment I would incur.

Blurry Lines

I'm not sure how to redeem us from this...
My heart is blistering as I think these thoughts...
Years from now, I won't be something you'll miss...
I'll just be, something in your life, that never belonged...

So, to you, I'm saying sorry, not just for tonight...
And I fear that I can't do this, my lips can't say goodbye...
For it lapidates my spirit, to walk away from this fight...
Still in my heart,sure as I know you...
For you, I know, I'm wrong.

I wouldn't tear your life apart, you'd blithely do it for me...
Without a thought....
For each, and every victim, you would slay...

They'd be the salt in the wounds, I'd always taste and feel...
And I'm not too young, to know what's right..
To turn and walk away...

I'm sure you'll put my name on a list
Of all those who've betrayed you...
When in truth, it's only my heart,
By me,
Who's been betrayed....

I'll stand before you now,
Trying my best not to be see through...
Perhaps, one day you'll see why...
I never could have stayed.

I'm really trying hard, but...
I don't know what to do with this...

My hands are blistering,
As to you, I write these words, unheard...

Years from now,
 I'll be,
Just one more name that you'll dismiss...

A girl from a place and time,
Back when your lines,
Were blurred....

Saved

You didn't know me then...
Before this body was so stained.
I wish you could have saved me...
Before, that beast came and drained...
What youth was left in me...
The girl that he drank down...
But, you didn't know me then...
Now there's nothing left to be found.

If you were just a few steps faster...
If time had gone just a bit slower...
Maybe things would have been different...
Maybe then you would have known her...

If fate had but, a different name...
Than my simple one upon his lips...
Perhaps these scars wouldn't be so deep...
Scars on my body from tenured whips...

I wish you could have saved me...
I wish the dream could've played out...
The house, innocence, white picket fence....
All things I'll learn to live without...

I wish you could've known me...
Before I ever knew his name...
Before I ever came to this town...
Before I was, what I became...

Because this is all that's left of me...
Sullied, fearful, horrors left untold...
I'd offer you the best of me...
But, there is nothing left to hold.

The Edge Of Glory

Through the shadows of the darkness...
Through the waves of a mighty sea...
There was a light shining full of glory...
A place where sickness shall never be.

A soft grass waiting for your footsteps...
Warm sunshine falling upon the pine...
A garden there for you to tend to...
Where peace and happiness grow entwined.

You always had a kind word, a warm embrace...
And your love lives on, and shall always be...
The reminder, this is not goodbye forever...
That one day too, His grace will set us free...

It's been long, hanging on this edge of glory...
On this hillside so steep and hard to climb....
And then a voice said "You're here...you made it....
Lay down your troubles, put your hand in mine"

The Resurrection

I see the unearthed hole in the ground...
I thought I had buried you away.
Now you stand before me, covered in dirt...
You say it is resurrection day...

I thought I'd washed you from my skin,
But, those marks are starting to aggress,
Taking with them, the little I've held on to
Surfacing the girl crying in protest...

I'd hoped I'd drowned the memories of you...
Because, it was either them or me...
But, now there back like a tsunami...
Waters so strong that I can't flee.

I'm breathing the same air as you...
Walking the same old familiar streets...
Knowing that, you know, I know...
I'm never too far, out of your reach.

Over Time

Sand keeps slipping through the glass
There's not much of it left today...
I've sat and watched it for so long...
I try to keep those thoughts at bay.

Though times like these; they abate me,
I'm left hungering for something more...
Left thirsting from those empty promises,
Quiescent truths I couldn't see before...

Insipid oxygen constricts my horizons
And moments come when I can't breathe
Overwhelmed by how I came to be here
And why it is, I can't seem to leave...

Restive Thoughts

I left my necklace in your car...
You held me tight when we said goodbye...

You probably don't remember back that far...
Sometimes it seems uncomfortably near by...

At the wrong place in the wrong time
In another world, what could have been...

A silent victim of your own choosing...
Thoughts always kept quietly within.

You never asked what was on your mind...
And for your best, I quietly slipped away...

And just as quick as it began..
Seam by scene I watched it all defray.

I'm in another place, another time...
Yet, these restive thoughts I still remember....

Times like these I wonder now...
If you still think...of that...November.

Dusting Off The Pages

The girl you no longer think about...

Is writing you this letter...

Perhaps someday you'll read it...

But, that won't make it better.

The girl you no longer think about...

Is thinking about you today.

And how you made a fool of her...

Believing everything you'd say.

Was she just a casualty in your war?

Was your victory, worth her blood?

Cause she bled for you for days...

Till the grounds began to flood.

Wasn't she too young for your kind?

At least you don't discriminate...

Cold and hard...

Like what you sleep on...

Criminal...

Like the man you hate...

You did something that changed her...

The girl who's name you don't remember...

She thinks things differently now...

That fires turned to cinder.

The girl you no longer think about...

Hopes your better than you were to her...

That her destruction did something for you...

That now...

You aren't...

The man you were.


Ashes to ashes...

Dust to Dust

She's buried her enmity

In a Hutch with your name.

Tragic really...

That you couldn't see further...

To you, she was only...

Ever...

A game.

Reality

I'm not sure, just how to pen this...
Not sure where to begin...

My whole life I've been two steps aside...
Born to not fit in...

And it's not really that I mind it...
It's just I can't seem to understand...

How so many, see so differently...
Living in a world of their own brand...

Maybe I just feel more, but, tell me...
At what point did love become, unmoving?

Maybe I just hurt more, but, really...
When did others pain become, amusing?

Which step was it, that was taken...
That made every thought process change...

That to show kindness to a stranger...
Would be looked down upon as strange...

I'm not sure, just how to pen this...
But, my heart is heavy this day...

For so many see the darker side...
Only to turn...and look away.

Biscayne Drive

There's a phone ringing in a house, that won't be answered...
There's a rocker outside, that won't be sat on again....

Here's a letter to you, that I should have written sooner...
Instead, there's salt water mixed with the ink from my pen....

There's a dusty path here, never again we'll walk on...
For now you'll dance and run and skip on streets of gold...

A place where your body, never again, shall betray you...
A land in which, all who live, will not grow old...

Years from now, from my mouth, your name will be spoken...
All our memories, with my life, shall live on...

I hope to be, someone, you always could be proud of...
A life from which, great integrity is drawn...

I don't know, if I ever told you, the things that really mattered...
But, somehow, the unspoken words, I think you knew...

Your fingerprints upon my life, will diminish...never.
My always friend...Ella Mae...Mazie...
I shall miss you...

Eclipse

Another day......
Another month and year....
Time moves on...
But, I'm still here.

In this place so familiar....
I could see it blind....
There's nothing here...
But, frozen time.

I've watched them come.....
I've watched them go....
Took their last breath...
I didn't know.

Cause they were there.....
And I was here....
A different place in time...
So far, yet near...

An interchanging course...
Who's paths never cross...
Except for brief moments...
To recognize the loss....

Another second...
Another hour...
The clock is crystal clear...
Time moves on...it always does
And always, I'm still here.

"Distressing Descent"

It dropped so low in my eyes...
It left me cold within and cold around,
I softly sighed as I watched it fall,
I heard it clink as it hit the ground.

I said "Goodbye" at the edge of darkness,
Left with the unchanging ache of things...
I heard the sad call of the lark.
It laid beside me with broken wings...

Both deep in vague remembered thoughts,
I wiped the tears away from his eyes.
Both wishing we could just forget...
All the days when we could fly....

Images...

Moments...pictures in time...
I can't erase them from my mind...
Thoughts, sights, feelings and sounds...
Things that can't be lost and never found....
Images.....

There are days I wish I could forget...
So many things I would just let...
Slip away, never remembered again....
Because I could move on, without them...
Images....

I am the sum of all my parts...
Even those locked within the heart....
Things that can't be talked about....
Things within and things without....
Images....

Heavily Broken

For every one protected...
There's a million you won't touch...
You can spend your whole life trying...
And not accomplish much....

For every one that you take on...
Two more will be sent...
You can spend your whole life trying...
And not even make a dent...

Human to human, soul to soul...
Yet somehow most don't care....
Have we become accustom to it...
That reality is just unfair....

And in this moment of recognition...
I have a feeling that can't be spoken...
Seeing those I can't make a difference for...
It leaves me...heavily broken....

Just Enough...

Just enough memories least I forget...
Who I am, and where I'm from....
Enough adversity to give me strength....
To learn from and to overcome....

Just enough heart ache to see the beauty...
That lies deep within it in the soul....
Enough love to taste and feel...
A missing part that's never quite whole...

Just enough sorrow to create a void...
And from it treasure everything a little more...
The quiet moments, the unspeakable things...
Just enough peace to recognize the war....

Just enough sanity to keep me hanging on...
And enough courage to finally let go...
Enough intelligence to understand...
That I am all that I really know...

And If I could choose every last thing...
I don't think I would ask for much....
For I know enough to know what I need....
And all I need is....just enough....

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil

The knowledge of good and evil....
Placed here in my hands...
But knowledge without understanding...
Is like a castle built of sand....

With the horizon slowing dimming...
And dark clouds beginning to gather...
Soon this castle built of sand...
Will no longer matter....

The rains will come down upon it...
And wash all these walls away....
Walls that took so long to build...
Walls without the strength to stay....

The knowledge of good and evil....
Engraved upon my heart...
But knowledge without reason....
Will only fall apart....

Moments Of Prose...

I fear that I've seen way too much,
For just one soul...
The burdens of many placed in my heart,
So many people who's paths I've touched,
They lost control...
Their mistakes caused because of me..
Simply for me...just one soul

I return to my path where I walk alone,
Towards a home I do not have...
The home I do not seek to have...
The home I've yet to find...
The home I shall not find for my soul...

I follow this path...my journey unknown,
This path way that leads me on...
The journey through my soul...
And the souls of all the others fallen
I am stained with their blame and accept it.

Wounded again, quietly I sigh...
Please just let me rest tonight...
I fear that I've seen too much...

Walking beneath a darkened sky,
My breath freezes from the cold...
For just one soul, I've seen too much...
And I'm not sure I can see much longer...
Not sure I can breathe much longer...
Not sure what the point is of too much...
For just one soul.

My Hometown

It's not that I'm searching and cannot find it...
It's just there is no place that calls me back...
With fond memories and happy thoughts...
These feelings...I guess...I lack...

My home is where I rest my head,
And rarely ever the same place,
Nothing to go back to, nothing I miss...
And for this, I feel no disgrace.

I'd rather be a free spirit...
Then chained down by lock and key...
You look at me with puzzled eyes...
For behind those bars, you just can't see.

I can't miss something I never had...
And it really is not bringing me down...
I'm doing great, living life my way...
I have no need for a hometown.

Laid To Rest - With Regret and Relief

'Tis the very first day of my eighteenth year...
With regret and relief, I am finally here.
There are tears of sorrow, and tears of peace...
And though conflicted, my soul is released.

To go back and change things, I wish I could...
But, if it took going back, I know I never would...
A little girl is laid to rest, I place flowers beside her bed.
I stroke her face and tell her all the words that were never said.
'Tis a dark daunting path ahead and 'tis difficult to see.
And only a whisper voices these thoughts that arise in me.
My faltering feet my lack the courage and wish to never dare,
To tread upon this unsure ground, but, somehow I'll make it there.
'Tis the very first day, the very first hour, Of my one and only eighteenth year...
It shall only come once and never again, With regret and relief...I am here.

Apologies Without Cures

I think I finally got it...
I think I found my answer...
I think for once in my life-
The picture's finally clear.

How can I put this...
You really put me on well...
And I never thought that-
I'd be left standing here.

So, tell me what happens...
When the best of intentions...
And all of your promises-
Fail to endure.

Tell me where to go when...
The one that I trusted...
The one that I believed in-
Does not have the cure.

I think I broke my own heart...
When I saw the real you...
It shattered into pieces-
By my very own hands.

You told me to keep running...
You told me not to look back...
But, I had to see it-
I didn't understand.

I think I finally got it...
I think I found my answer...
And when I saw the truth I...
I had to look away.

I guess I finally got it....
Now, I have my answer...
And I broke my own heart...
Today...

In Loving Memory...

Please forgive me, if I wasn't there...
How could your heart take so much pain...
How could I not know...why didn't I detect...
Your emotions collapsing from the strain...

You took everything from everyone...
And carried on with a smile happily...
I can't imagine the pain you felt inside...
As your world turned so dark you couldn't see...

And everything that seemed not well...
Is now so much clearer than before...
The picture was dim from where I stood...
But now my heart sees so much more...

I thought I knew you but couldn't see...
As you cried through laughter in my presence...
You had more wounds but let them be...
And silently bled in my absence...

Forgive me if I didn't say...
Forgive me if I didn't know...
Forgive me if I couldn't heal...
Forgive me if I couldn't go...

I wish you peace on your journey home...
And will forever love you with quiet grace...
May God grant you the comfort you deserved....
And guide you far from this hurtful place...

"Perhaps In Drifting"

Perhaps in drifting I shall brush,
Against the sharp edge of a blade,
And if the pressure is enough,
I shall learn the taste of pain.

Perhaps in drifting in the rain,
If the seas are high and water rough,
I shall learn to be afraid,
When waters around me with anger gush.

Perhaps in drifting I shall be blind,
Walking with trust instead of light,
And down that path, maybe I'll find,
A new love for all my sight.

Perhaps in drifting, I'll meet the night,
And all my days I'll leave behind,
I'll see the path that is ever right,
And trade my hurt, for something kind.

"The Art Of Letting Go"

Today is the day that I'll forgive,
The pain may stay, but I will live...
And it takes all I have left to give-
To let this slip away...

I cannot forget what you've done,
But now I see what I've become...
You're so cold you've left me numb-
And I can't stay this way.

This hurt and pain has been here for years,
Frustrations paint a picture with tears...
And I'm always left the one with fears-
Not knowing where to go...

Having the same blood doesn't make us the same,
Family is more than just a last name...
I wish you could see all of the pain-
Tis my faith, somehow you know...

Forgiveness today is the day,
To let it all slip away...
And bury the price I had to pay-
Today is the day I let go...

"Imperceptible To The One Who Counts..."

I am full to the brim with emptiness...
I am in a crowded room full of ghosts
I'm drowning in the deepness of sorrows aridity
With all eyes upon me, except the two that matter most.

I am freezing in the warmth of the blue fire...
And silence seems to be the only sound...
I never understood the reasons for understanding
Until I found the freedom that tied me down.

I am sleeping softly with my eyes wide open
I am whispering the words so loudly you can't hear....
I am blinded by the darkness...brightly overwhelming
Reassured by the insecure, securness of my fears

I am tempted by a sweetness...oh so bitter
Voiceless clatter fills me, until I cannot speak
Left with the pleasure of a toxic healing pain...
And a feeling inside so strong that I am weak...

I am falling hard softly, looking for a place to land
So lonely in this crowded room full of ghosts...
Stumbling across this room, predictable unknowing...
I have all eyes upon me, except the two that matter most...

"Somewhere Beyond"

When the days are dark and dreary,
And you're lingering at despairs pond...
Think of me and hold me close,
I'll meet you somewhere beyond...

When the blood spills forth from your soul,
And others turn their heads in shame...
I'll pick you up, and clean your wounds...
I'll love you just the same.

When you need to run away from them...
When you need to leave it all behind...
Hold on one minute, because I'm going with you,
Please, let me calm your weary mind.

When the demons come to overwhelm you,
And you feel you cannot be alone...
I'll be there to hold you down...
For your pain...it is my own.

So, when your nights are cold and quiet,
And you need someone to hold on,
Think of me, and I'll be close...
I'll meet you somewhere beyond.

"Glass"

Reflections through shattered glass...
Searching through broken pieces to find,
Peace for a restless soul,
And somewhere to calm a weary mind...

A double edged sword.
That leaves blood in my hands.
For only when it falls apart,
'Tis then I understand.

When I take it piece by piece,
And lay it all to rest...
I won't put it back together,
For the worst would be my best.

I'd rather leave it broken,
There is beauty in these scars,
For the reflection looking back,
Is no longer behind bars.

Reflections through shattered glass,
The reflection of me...
Torn all into pieces,
So I can finally see...

"Troubled Conscience"

In a secret chamber of my heart....
Where there's no room for a lie.
That is where I'm torn apart,
Left with no alibi...

In that closesly guarded center,
Behind such walls that none can scale,
Where deceit may never enter
And hypocrisy will fail.

There's a truth that's carved in stone,
One that took some time to make.
Monolithic, cold, alone...
And I know it will not break.

Often this truth has brought me to my knees
Where tears say what cannot be spoken
Where a light is shined that I might see
And fix what I have broken...

"The Cure"

Let me be the bandage that will stop all the bleeding...
Let me be the ocean that shall wash away your tears...
Let me be the refuge for all of your dark secrets...
Let me be the voice that can calm all your fears...

Love isn't love that dwells not in darkness
Nor is it love that shares not in ones shame...
Nor could I love, did I not have such sorrow
When in your eyes I see such depths of pain...

"Drifting Away..."

You're drifting so far away
So far out to sea...
If you won't come back for them..
Please, come back for me...
Don't leave me stranded here
With nothing but debris....
Of the person that I once knew
And the remains of such beauty.

You think that your the master
Can't you see you're just the slave
I watch all the ships sailng beside you
Moving towards their watery graves

Such a fate was never meant for you
And I just can't turn and look away
As the clouds gather in the horizon
And the skies turn dark and gray...

Don't you remember...
Or have you erased me from your mind?
As you've gone on your search for sunken treasure
Leaving everything so far behind....

You're a prisoner by your own doing
Bound by chains that you can't see...
You've set your sails on disaster
And packed your bags with misery....

The demons that drove you to her
That sent you so far out to sea...
They make you tell everyone your fine...
But, you know you can't fool me...

When you're lying in a cold sweat
Clutching the pillow beside your bed...
Haunted by dreams of MaryJane...
And a hunger that can't be fed...

The comfort that you're seeking
Leaves you empty and wanting more...
And I could fill that for you...
I'm waiting here at shore.

The sand sticks between my toes
As the water slowly pulls me in
I've been waiting for you so long
Only  the salt covers my skin.

I call your name like a siren,
As the wind turns bitter cold...
I'm waiting just like I said I would
But, there's nothing here to hold.

Places Others Cannot Go

J.M.F.

With everything inside me,
I wish that you could know,
How your words can pierce right through me,
In places others cannot go.

They take me so far down...
To places that I've never been.
And plunge me underneath the surface...
Then bring me back up again.

You've been my greatest joy,
And yet, with you, I've felt such pain.
It seems I always feel the mosts.
When 'ere I speak your name.

Tell me how can it be that,
You know not what you do,
Or the power that you hold...
Because of my love for you.

Two Years, Two Hundred and Seventy Days Since

Somewhere beyond the burdens, 

Beyond the rain showers of my tears

There is a meadow full of hope, 

Though long abandoned now for years...

Still, I'm headed there this morning, 

If I can only find my way…

Take a left when near the farthest star, 

Step back a thousand days...

Somewhere beyond this city…

Beyond the shadows of his face…

Past the measure of these moments, 

Lies a soft, forgiving place.

Somewhere beyond this sadness, 

Beyond all the hurtful sights…

There’s a light that shines the brightest, 

And all wrongs it can make right.

As that light shines on that meadow, 

I cannot help but gaze…

At the life that I once knew, 

As I step back a thousand days.

Bandon

I dreamed of oceans again..
I'm not sure how I ended up here...
As I awoke to feel the coldness,
Of my relentless tears...

It all came back to me,
As if a flood was pouring down.
Surrounding me like him...
And in his love I was left to drown.

Where the dark waves brush against the cliffs,
Tempting me to risk it all...
To run and jump and not look down,
To take my time and enjoy the fall.

I saw the house there by the sands,
And his hand reaching out to me,
I found him then, but could not hold..
Such a faded memory...